The hardships of gentle parenting with trauma

Breaking cycles is difficult; it can feel time consuming and all too much work and the reason for this is because it is. Time to work on our own healing, the ability to regulate our own emotions and guide another human being through experiencing theirs is a lot to take on. On our most overwhelming days we could consider giving up entirely, especially as the alternative approaches, where we would shout and scream our anger out seem far easier. When we can once again think rationally though, we can respect that parenting takes time and effort regardless of how we do it. Whether we spend that time now working towards raising well adjusted children or we are left spending that time dealing with the consequences of authoritarian parenting; either way we spend the time. Conscious parenting is always worth the effort so why, even when you feel so passionately about it, can it be so hard? Parents are worthy of growing around their trauma and children are worthy of calm parents. You understand what is developmentally appropriate and you know how you want to respond to challenging behaviour so why can't we all just do that all of the time with ease? I could fill books searching for and sharing answers to these questions (and people have) but for now here is a brief list that may explain why you're finding it so arduous trying to gentle parent with trauma.

Children are triggering

Babies, toddlers and children are triggering to us. Screaming, grabbing and pulling on us can feel incredibly overstimulating but they also bring to surface new challenges. Exhaustion and burn out can manifest into intrusive thoughts making us feel even angrier, ashamed and more upset. It is also triggering to see behaviours expressed by our children that we were punished for and the emotions that we were made to suppress. It isn't their fault but it can be hard not to direct our anger about it towards them.

Your patience is understandably thinner

No matter your circumstances you are being left burnt out. There is significantly less time for you to meet your own needs and that in itself takes it's toll. You may feel guilty that you've snapped over something minor but you haven't, you've snapped because you've been weeks without a conversation where your well-being was the topic. You've been days without a proper shower or bath, you haven't read a book for fun in months maybe years, you're maintaining relationships so you're less lonely but you're still alone and exhausted from trying to please everyone. You are not a priority and then someone is screaming at you, pinching your nipple, messing up the room you spent hours trying to clean and, on top of that, on top of all that 'normal' stress, you have a chemical imbalance in your brain that drags your mood down and controls your daily experiences. You don't need to 'do better', you also don't need your child to change, behave and just listen to you. You need a break. You need to be respected as a human being.

Suppression is no longer an option

Before having children you could indulge in whatever coping mechanism you felt helped- healthy or not. I smoked, overslept and binged on the same TV shows pretty much every minute I was awake. Smoking stopped the moment I got a positive pregnancy test so I was left with TV and oversleeping. I slept a lot and to the point of physical sickness. But in sleep I could sometimes get a break from the constant onslaught of thoughts decaying my brain. After having L that wasn't an option and TV eventually phased out too. Suddenly you find yourself with none of those options that you relied on so heavily and it happens so quickly; sometimes over night. You don't even have time to adjust. You're without the survival techniques that have likely been the only things getting you through the day for however long at the time you probably need them most. So now maybe you scroll on your phone too much and dissociate a little more often and feel an incredible guilt for it. It's okay to miss the things you relied on; the things that got you through the days. Now you just need to find new things. It's not an easy task but trust yourself, as you focus on your well being and connection with your child you will find safer things to fill your life with.

Now there's even more to get through It's hard coping with trauma. Before having a child it already feels entirely crushing and time consuming, but dealing with it whilst also having a little human reliant on you is incomprehensible. Especially as those little humans are very comfortable in showing their own unregulated emotions. You have to deal with everything you were dealing with before, which you already felt incapable of coping with but now there's more.

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So what am I supposed to do? Identifying why parenting is difficult doesn't stop it from being difficult and acknowledging that it can be harder with trauma doesn't exactly help. It can provide momentary consolation and validation which does matter but it isn't real support. I have often found that people offer reassurances to mothers with mental illnesses in a way that actually only serves to provide justification for emotionally abusive parenting. I don't want an excuse for why I shouted at my child. I know it's understandable, and I know that these words of encouragement are coming from a kind place but I don't need to hear why me snapping at my child is fine given my circumstances. I want to understand why, I then want to be told I can do better and, yes, reassured that it does happen but then told how I can reduce the risk of it happening again.

You already want to parent gently. You know how it feels when you shout at your child and you know you don't want to be that person in their life. I want you to know that it's normal to struggle and that feeling enraged or upset doesn't mean you're a bad parent. Every day is an opportunity to learn and connect but that doesn't mean everyday has to be perfect- you don't need to wake your baby up with an itinerary for the whole day- connection can come from 'lazy' days, sad days watching movies, evenings eating takeaway with your child or sitting in silence together doing your own thing. Connection and growth can come from heated moments and days where everything feels as though it's going wrong because they are the moments we can soothe ourselves and each other, apologise and be better for one another. It takes commitment but you are already going through the hardships,, you are strong enough to respond to them with kindness.

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