I would look down at my bump and cry; apologising to my baby for hurting them

When I was pregnant I felt trapped in life. Physically confined to living for the wellbeing of my baby. I wholeheartedly intended to end my life once I had given birth. I cried over it a lot, amongst crying over the usual stuff I'd cried about for years. Crying on a daily basis, multiple times a day was the norm for me but pregnancy bought on a new dynamic to that. 'Stress harms your baby'.

There is no short of information online about how dangerous stress during pregnancy can be, not only for a developing fetus but for the child long after they've been born. I am already ruining my child. I am already continuing the cycles. I am hurting them and damaging their mental wellbeing. These things would go round and round my head. In the depth of my distress, as I sat collapsed on the floor, crying hysterically in physical and emotional agony I would hold my belly and look down at my bump and apologise profusely. I was so sorry, and I'd speak the words through the swelling in my throat. "I am so sorry my baby". I had wanted a baby. I had waited through infertility for a baby and I didn't deserve one; I was hurting them and they didn't even choose this. I would screech the word sorry over and over with my cheeks burning and eyes drenched and I would beg them to be okay despite my failings. Because I felt I was already failing.

If any of this is resonating I'm truly sorry. It's a heavy burden to carry: mum guilt; like regular guilt only far more crushingly painful. But try to remember that being 'hormonal' and 'emotional' is a well known trait of pregnancy and, though it's usually used as a way of belittling women and making them out to be petty, it actually validates negative feelings. It's normal for you to feel overwhelmed and it's normal for those feelings to feel far more intense than you're used to. Of course I can't say stress has no effect on an unborn baby, but I can say that adding to that stress is not the answer. Yes you will worry and no you can't just click your fingers and change your circumstances (otherwise we all would) but we can release some of that tension by remembering all the people who have carried and birthed before us. I want to share something that somebody said to me whilst I was pregnant. I'm paraphrasing but the take away is the same and it's that

"People have carried and birthed babies in all sorts of conditions. Babies have been born in war and famine and drought and have been perfectly fine. "

And it's true. Obviously not all babies have been fine in these extreme circumstances which is a horrible thought but the point is the human race has survived. Your child's fate is not necessarily set in stone based on their life in the womb. The choices you make throughout parenting count too. I feel almost fraudulent writing this as I still now dwell on all of those little things- anything I have done even remotely imperfectly since my daughter was conceived- but you're not alone. If every infant was 'ruined' due to their pregnant parent being stressed then their would be no such thing as a healthy human. You're allowed to feel your emotions, you're also allowed to acknowledge that you need help managing them, just don't stress about the stress; don't stress about stressing about the stress.